Today, I am full of emptiness, guilt and remorse. There is this hostile underlying feeling of doubt of myself that I am loaded with. I feel totally worthless and good for nothing. Like a dirty rag.  I feel like I am about to lose everything, mentally, materially and spiritually. I have been on my knees asking for forgiveness for walking away from Jesus, but no relief of the guilt and remorse seems to be coming. This feeling is the misery caused by my sin.

This is not a punishment for my sin. It is simply the result of my sin because I left Jesus to commit the sin. Because I believe and ask Christ for everything in my life, I usually have peace, but I made a decision to walk away Christ.  I deceived myself. Like always, the deception never shows it's face until the deed is done. Like always, I was wanting some carnal pleasure and when the temptation presented itself, I grabbed it over the calm and peace I was enjoying. It was all me.

I cannot blame the deceiver, because the deceiver only presented the deception to me. I chose the deception and will receive the consequence of my choice. Whenever I sin, I can never blame the deceiver. I made the choice and it was a wrong choice. The deed is done and now the consequences are mine alone.

I was in a good place with Christ before my sin. Now the sin has moved me away from Him. My eye is still on Him but my vision is blurred and my feel of his presence is numbed. He is still there waiting for me to come back. I have to wait for Him to remove the numbness and clear my vision so I can see Him like before the sin.

After asking Christ to forgive me and restore me back to my place with Him, He will, but when He is ready. Leaving Him is on my time, but returning is on His time. This is how He teaches me to stay close to Him. Christ knows I am a sinner and I will sin again whether I want to or not. It is my nature and my nature is strong. That is why I have to stay as close as I can get with Christ and let Him guide me. He never walks away, I do. It is always for some desire of my sinful nature that seems really good at the time it is presented.

I am really sorry for what I did, but sorry is not going to change any of my consequences. I am really guilty for what I did, but the guilt is not going to change any of my consequences. The only thing that will change my consequences is admitting my sin to Christ and humbly asking Him to restore me. Then He will restore me when He decides I have learned from my dishonor to Him.

Just the other day, right before the sin, I was questioning myself about my belief. I don't doubt God saving me, I doubt me being good enough. Sometimes I think I am deceived into believing I believe. My doubt is in myself, not in Christ. This sin has showed me that I have a very strong belief because I feel the separation from Christ so strongly.  My sin has taught me one thing. I do believe and once in a while I will have doubt whether I really believe or not. The doubt is never in Christ. Its always doubting myself. That is a sign for me that a deception is on the way. Each time I grab the deception the result is worse. There is more guilt and remorse. This is teaching me to pray when the doubt starts and get closer to Christ. But I do not act accordingly at times.

Yes, I strongly believe.